5 Most Annoying Types of People

We all have certain types of people that make our blood boil at the mere thought of them. For some it may be tree-huggers, others smokers or obnoxious children on airplanes. The possibilities are endless. I am going to list the five that annoy me the most, the five that ruffle my feathers like a rooster in heat.

• Oblivious people. I experienced this type of person personally this past weekend. I went swimming at the gym, when I finished I returned to the locker room to change, only to find a short man with a large gut changing immediately next to my locker. No big deal, I went into to the bathroom area for a few minutes to let him finish. Well, I came back and the guy was still there having only removed his shirt since I last saw him. This guy wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, so I decided to dive in and change as quickly as possibly. Normally when you do this the person will put forth the effort to create some space for you, like any considerate, aware person would. Not this guy. He actually started picking his butt, trying to pick out a plum probably, and somehow inched his way closer to me. I let out a few groans to signal the guy, but he was off on his butt-picking planet oblivious to the world. I got dressed as fast as I could and got away from that astronaut before I succumbed to the urge to stuff his rolly-polly ass in his locker. Another prime example of an oblivious person is the fat load who stands in the middle of the grocery isle with their three unkempt fat children trying to decide what kind of fake cheese product gets to clog their family's arteries that week, the extra cheesy cheese wiz, the ultra puffy Cheetos or maybe it's a special week and they'll get the five pound cheese wheel that looks like a spoiled fruit cake.
• Slow drivers. Ever been waiting to make a left turn at a light that only turns green every 7 or 8 minutes and stays green for about 30 seconds? I'm sure you have. Now picture that old geezer that we have all been stuck behind who takes at least half the light to even realize that it has in fact turned green. They then spend the rest of light accelerating from 0 to 2.5 mph in an astounding 12 seconds, finally finishing the turn just as the light turns yellow. This leaves you only a few feet closer to your goal and with a strong desire to give them the double tall man. But don't worry, by the time you finally get thru the light they will only be a few blocks down the road and you can flip them off all you want as you speed past.
• The person who won't shut up. This is the guy in the gym locker room or on the bus who starts talking to you about an absurdly mundane subject despite the fact that you are listening to your ipod and staring in the other direction. "I had this ex-wife and boy she don't like me much. She had this old Cadillac and one time the engine fell out of that sumbitch and that witch called me up and said....". At this point you're debating whether to just walk away in mid-sentence or to tell the guy to shut the eff up, when thankfully a new target enters the cross-hairs of this obnoxious blowhards diarrhea filled mouth.
• The person who thinks they are god's gift to the opposite sex. Guys, you know exactly who I'm talking about. The girl at the bar who is 30 pounds over weight wearing a dress three sizes to small that does an exquisite job of accentuating her atrocious fake tan and extra greasy face, who has the nerve to look at you with disdain as if you are beneath her. Not that you put forth signals or insinuated that you were even remotely interested, she still feels the need convey her superiority over you. Mind you, the only the thing that would make you approach her would be if you needed a little extra axle grease for you car.
• Gullible, ignorant people. This is the brain surgeon that calls up the local talk radio show and says "I heard President Obama weren't born in America and is a Communist Muslim." And where did they get this juicy information? A forwarded email from their good buddy Clevis. You might say that the person may not be aware that the President's birth certificates states that he was in born in the US, or that he is a member of a Christian church, or that Communists don't even believe in religion. Fine, I can forgive that, I suppose, though you would have to be living under a rock to not be aware of at least one of the three. What I cannot forgive is that the person is basing their views on the President of the United States on a forwarded email that originated from an address along the lines of BustySuzyXXX@flirtyskanks.com and instructs the recipient to forward the email to 20 people in the next 20 minutes or else they won't get laid for the next year.

I feel like an athlete after a game winning performance or a politician after an election clinching oratory masterpiece; completely drained. I left it all out on the floor, and only hope that, you the reader, were able to relate and join in my annoyance of at least one of these immensely annoying personages. I'm sure there is a person that gets under your skin like none other and deserves to be on this list. By all means let me know who gets your goat and we can wallow in our disdain for all people annoying together.

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GFT of the Week: Jesse James

After a short hiatus I am back with a vengeance to slay more turds with my literary pooper scooper. This weeks target: The monstrosity of a toolbox that is Jesse James. Here's a guy who had it made. A beautiful wife, Sandra Bullock, who also happens to be one of the most successful actresses in Hollywood and puts up with all his bullshit. From the reality show where he risks his life, to the custody battle with his crazy felon ex-wife who now makes her money having sex with shemales on her website. He even propositioned this angel of a lady while he was married to Bullock, but she at least had the decency to turn him down. The scumbag even had sex in his office with his mistresses while his wife was nearby in his shop.

Along with being guilty of adultry, James is also definitely guilty of having a horrendous taste in women. Rather than stay faithful to his naturally beautiful, sweet, funny wife, he would rather shack up behind her back with a bevy of fake-breasted strippers with attrocious tattoos. To top it all off the leader of the group is a white supremacist. To be fair, she does claims that her "WP" tattoo stands for "Wet Pussy", not "White Power". That is much more classy.

Also not garnering much attention is the fact James settled a sexual harassment suit in 2007, while married to Bullock. This suit brought to light a few genius text messages from James such as "I'll be your monkey" and "I have some special white fluid that will make you feel better" in response to recipient saying she wasn't feeling well. How lame can you get? Special white fluid? Even if she was into him, there isn't a woman on this planet that would be turned on by that. Reading these zingers reminded me of an interview I heard of James last year. For the most part he seemed like a good guy, but I remember him making similar lame statements like "keep my name out yo mouth", which has to be one of the weakest attempts at an intimidating remark there is.

All these odd statements got me thinking. What is it about these that gives me douche chills? It's the fact that they are delivered with such assuredness and arrogance. He's not saying this stuff to be funny, he's saying it in complete seriousness and with the steadfast belief that it makes him look cool. Demonstrations of his obliviousness to his doucheness like this suggest that James has a warped self-image and an unsupported view that he can do whatever he wants and still be cool guy. His antics during his marriage to Sandra Bullock support this completely and unequivocally.

So, what's the moral of this story, you ask? One, if you're a normal, nice young lady don't get married to a guy that throughout his whole life has displayed that he is attracted to tattoo covered skanky strippers. Second and more importantly, if you are with someone who seems generally cool, but occassionally says things with 100% sincerity that sends douche chills up your spine, watch out, because something isn't right with them. Don't find out the hard way after five years of marriage like Sandra Bullock did. And as always, you sir, Jesse James, are a Giant Effing Turd!!!

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GFT of the Week: Stephen A. Smith

This is the inaugural Giant Effing Turd post, a new feature on Big Grinder With Cheese, that will highlight an event, person, or action from the past week that left a such an awful taste of bile and poop in my mouth that I feel the need to eviscerate and disembowl them with my literary pooper scooper.

The lucky winner of this week's GFT is none other than the universally hated and unbearably annoying blowhard of all blowhards, Stephen A. Smith. Smith posted an article yesterday that outlined the gambling, and alcohol troubles of Allen Iverson, with what amounted to a call to Iverson's inner circle to mount an intervention. Whether or not you are fan of Iverson, it is very sad to see a person who has so much going for him and is descending down a path that could lead to being abandoned by his family, gambling his $200 million in career earnings away, and even a possible early death.

I would like to know what makes it ok for Steven A. Smith to make Allen Iverson's personal struggles public? This strikes me as a grasp for attention by an egotistical asshole that sees his star slipping. A person that was once a tv and web personality for ESPN, until the network got fed up with his tired schtick and "decided to go in a different direction" and has been relegated to local print and radio in Philadelphia. Not exactly the career arc a self-promoting ego-maniac such as Smith is looking for is it?

Then along come insider NBA rumors that Allen Iverson has severe drinking and gambling problems. Smith saw this as an opportunity to look like the good guy for once. He wrote an article that comes off as a plea to Iverson to get help and in the process exposes Iverson's issues. Smith picked a great time to release this news, just days after Iverson's wife filed for divorce, and weeks after he announced he will not play the rest of the season, in effect ending his NBA career, in order to be with his sick daughter. You don't have to be Dr. Drew to realize that Iverson is in a very fragile and precarious state right now. The littlest thing could push him off the edge, not to mention someone publishing behaviors of his that he is battling and likely very ashamed of. Smith would probably say that he cares about Iverson and this is his way of trying to help. I say bull crap Stephen A. Smith, you Giant Effing Turd!!! If he really wanted to help Iverson, he would have kept this information private and contacted Iverson's "inner circle" to offer his help. Rather, he bared Iverson's darkest secrets to the world in a move that could very well cause Iverson to isolate himself more and accelerate his descent down the shame spiral he is surely on into more drinking and gambling. But hey at least we're all remembering who Stephen A. Smith is right?

I'm not sure why, but Allen Iverson's struggles have left me feeling sad for him and hoping that he is able to get better. Maybe it is because until recently he always played with all his heart and put his body on the line to help his team win games. It is hard not to root for someone who puts forth such determination and effort. I want to leave you with two videos of Iverson. On a lighter not, the first is possibly the best sports press conference of all time. All I need to say is "We talkin' 'bout Practice?". Lastly, I defy you to watch this video of Iverson at an event for his scholarship chartity speaking about his life and not have a new found respect for him and a hope that he is able to get the help he needs and take back his life.

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Is Tiger Woods The Next Michael Jackson?

The two biggest events of the past year are arguably the death of Michael Jackson and the demise of Tiger Woods. At first glance the two celebrities involved in these events have nothing in common. The most famous athlete in the world and an aging pop star who most people believe was a pedophile and has destroyed his face with plastic surgery. You're thinking: Come on, there are no similarities between them, right? But if you examine the lives of these two men, they are eerily similar. In list style fashion, here are the similarities:

• Both had overbearing fathers whose one goal from their child's adolescence was to drill them and push them to be the best in their respective field. For both this lead to fame at a very young age. Tiger was on the Mike Douglas Show at the age of 3. Michael Jackson shot to stardom with his brothers at the age of 11 with this appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. This early fame resulted in the them not being able to have a normal childhood and trying to compensate for that loss later in life.
  
• Both appear to be mentally/emotionally suspended somewhere around the age of 12. This is very obvious in Jackson with the Neverland Ranch and the idea that he was a modern day Peter Pan. Tiger displays this in his poor behavior on the golf course and his love of off-color jokes. He also often doesn't appear to be able to have an adult conversion. Whenever he is interviewed and goes away from the Tiger Cliches of "hitting the ball well" and "putting the ball well", it doesn't go so well. Lastly his text messages to his mistresses sound very similar to what one would expect from a horny insecure sixth grader.
• Both were the best in their disciplines and revolutionized their respective fields as a black person. They are both so well loved by their die-hard fans, that their major scandals did not cause them to be abandoned. Michael Jackson sold out 50 shows at the O2 Arena in London in a matter of hours, while the Tiger's first tournament back will likely result in the highest television ratings for golf ever.
  
• Both have had enormous scandals. Michael Jackson has been accused of child molestation multiple times, as well as suffering a very shady death. Tiger Woods has turned out to be one of the biggest philander of all time with a dozen plus mistresses and most likely many others that we will never know about. Both gave very bizarre press conferences regarding their scandals that made it appear that they are off in their own world and have a very hard time relating to the common person. Jackson went on national television and denied any inappropriate relations with children and described how the police examined his penis. Not exactly the picture you want in people's minds when asking them for understanding. Tiger went on national television as RoboTiger admitting to infidelities dressed like an 80 year old man, while taking zero question and going off on various tangents.
• Both are extremely private people, almost to a fault. Michael to his death denied having more than one plastic surgery and often covered his face and the faces of his children with scarves for privacy. Tiger has never really given an interview where he talks about anything but golf and has a yacht named Privacy. Due to this extreme privacy, both of their nefarious behaviors led to a greater shock than if we had know them a bit more as people, rather than just their carefully polished images.
• Both have various addictions. Michael Jackson was likely addicted to plastic surgery and was addicted various prescription drugs off and on starting in the mid-80s. Tiger's behavior suggests that he is addicted to sex and recent reports have said that he also received treatment for addiction to Vicodin and Ambien. Jackson was not able to conquer his addictions and only time will tell whether or not Tiger will.

As you can see, there are a disturbing number of similarities between Michael Jackson and Tiger Woods from their lost childhoods to scandals to addictions to prescription drugs. On the Michael Jackson timeline, I would put Tiger at early-90s Michael, following his first child molestation scandal. Only time will tell which course the rest of Tiger's life will follow. Will it be the course Michael followed? Withdrawing more and more from society. Becoming stranger and stranger. Not performing as well in his field as his earlier mega successes. Or will Tiger be a changed man and conquer his demons to place himself back atop the golf world? I believe it will be the latter. Tiger has a legendary focus and determination and if he is truly focusing these traits on fixing himself as he says he is, I believe he will be successful. Also, Tiger's financial situation is a bit different than Michael Jackson's was. Tiger is dependent on endorsements for much of his money. Yes, he is reportedly a billionaire, but his expenses with such luxuries as a $20 million yacht and a $40 million Florida compound must be astronomical, not to mention the possibility of a nine figure divorce settlement. Michael had independent sources of income. He had continuing revenue from his consistently selling albums, ownership of the Beatles song catalog, and the ability to put on a sold out stadium world tour whenever he wanted. Lastly, the number one reason I think Tiger will be back better than ever is so he can give a big eff you to everyone that he feels has badmouthed him, exacerbated his downfall and said he won't be able to come back and play at the high level that he has played at in the past. What better way to do this than by returning to golf, dominating once again, and obliterating Jack Nicholas' record for majors? And we all know, that if there is one thing Americans love to do, it is to forgive flawed, fallen celebrities. Tiger is primed for a return to his former stature and the only obstacle is himself. Will he be able to navigate this obstacle that has nearly derailed him? I think he can and he will.

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Un Pop Culture Rant: Politics

This post marks a new feature on the Big Grinder With Cheese blog, the Un Pop Culture Rant. This feature will be what its name suggests, a rant about a topic that is very unpopular in our culture. So without further ado, onto the debut.

Like most people my age, I am fed up with politics. What is more unpopular at the moment than politicians and all their shenanigans? The reasons for this are infinite, but I will list a few.

• The most annoying for me is the inability of a single politician to answer a question with a honest response that makes sense and actually addresses the question, followed by no one calling them out on their lame answer. Rep Mike Pence of Indiana displayed this ability beautifully on Meet the Press this past Sunday, when asked if he thought the Christmas Day Plane Bomber should have been read his Miranda Rights when he was arrested. Rather than answering with a simple yes or no, he came up with this beauty (I'm paraphrasing): My constituents are wondering why this plane bomber gets his Miranda Rights and a civilian trial while the Fort Hood Shooter, a military officer, who killed military personnel on a military base is getting a military trial? What? You're constituents are wondering why a military officer who committed murder against military personnel on a military base is getting a military trial? Notice the common word in that last sentence? MILITARY. I haven't followed the plane bomber case close enough to render an opinion of how the should be tried, but Pence's reasoning is ludicrous. He didn't even answer the question, which was what HE thought, and in the process made his constituents look dopey. And to top it all off, no one batted an eyelash or questioned the ridiculous statement.
• No politicians have balls. Dick Cheney has been running his mouth about how Barack Obama is endangering America for the last year, most recently having a showdown with Joe Biden on terrorism. Why won't anyone tell this guy he is being irresponsible and to shut the hell up. If Al Gore tried this act during the Bush presidency, he would have been crucified by the administration. Everyone pussy foots around the issue with statements like "Cheney may not have the most current information" or "I don't agree with him". How about saying "Cheney is lying and trying to scare America in order to protect his legacy and is an irresponsible piece of crap." That would be very refreshing, but sadly will never happen.
• The conventions and conferences have got to stop. What is the point of these? Gathering a few thousand maniacs in a room that will applaud anything the speakers say. Barack Obama or Dick Cheney could come out and describe their latest bowl movement and a garner a minute long standing ovation. What is the point of this? Their lemming-like applause and bizarre outfits clearly show that everyone in attendance needs next to zero convincing to convert to the cause. And any sane person watching one of these gatherings is not converted, rather they will wonder what the hell they are watching? Did someone get a hidden video of a Hare Krishna or Branch Davidian meeting? For the unfamiliar, those are cults, and these conventions and conferences can be described as cultish and just plain creepy.

Those are only a few of the reasons that I, and am sure many others, are fed up with politics. Non-answering of questions, no ball politicians, and wacky conventions and conferences are only scratching the surface, but are a good start none the less. I hope this rant has had some resonance with you and I invite you to rant a bit of your own in the comments section.

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What Happened to Luke Wilson?

Unless you've been living under a rock for the last 6 months, you've probably been barraged with those atrocious AT&T commercials. You're first thought after suffering through one of those is probably "Wow, that really sucked!". This is followed by the notion that that bloated carcass playing the AT&T pitchman looks very familiar. This starts the brain synapses firing, and then it hits you: "Holy crap, that's Luke Wilson of Old School fame!". This realization is quickly followed by the question: "What the hell happened to Luke Wilson?".

Well, I tell you what happened to him. He caught a disease, and he is a sick, sick man. And that ailment my friends is called Val Kilmer Disease (VKD). Symptoms include but are not limited to:

• Having at one point been very good looking
• Currently looking very bloated and unhealthy
• Once being in huge movies i.e. Top Gun, Old School
• Not having been in a movie anyone has heard of in five plus years
• Most significantly patient's current appearance prompts people to ask "What the hell happened to him?"

Now here is some photographic evidence to support this new disease:
Obviously this picture speaks for itself; simply jarring. Allow me to point out a few VKD symptoms: very attractive as Iceman in Top Gun, now has man boobs, a giant belly and a face that appears to have doubled in size. Another symptom, the last movie that the general public probably remembers him in is Alexander (2004), which was only noteworthy because it was such a huge flop and disappointment. You're probably thinking, wow I never gave Val Kilmer that much thought, but that does sound like a serious malady, but Luke Wilson can't have contracted VKD. You better believe he has, just take a look at the image to your left. Notice the piercing brown eyes and chiseled features on the before VKD image compared with the eyes that are almost swollen shut, the jowls and the turkey gobbler on the post VKD image. Not pictured, last notable role a supporting part in
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004). Needless to say if Luke Wilson had not somehow got the job with AT&T as their annoying, smug pitchman (my theory is significant bribes to the AT&T corporate structure from brother Owen), his career would be continuing it's downward spiral into the land of Z celebrities and bad VH1 reality shows. But alas, it appears that he has possibly found a cure or at least a treatment to stop the alphabetic fall caused by Val Kilmer Disease from A to Z at a semi-respectable C and made himself, for now, somewhat relevant in the pop culture landscape.

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The Situation Room With the Situation

I, like the majority of America, was caught up in the whirlwind phenomena that is the Jersey Shore. If you were to tell me that you didn't know who Snooki or the Situation (the greatest reality star ever) are, I would call you a lilly-livered-lier. One of my new favorite pass times is brainstorming ways that the Situation can be integrated into our society as much as possible. And then it hit me, CNN should give Wolf Blitzer the boot and turn the Situation Room tv show over to the Situation.

Can't you just imagine: Downy vs. Tide, Secret Tanning Oil Distasters and Ugly Girl Math tonight on "The Situation Room with the Situation". If that isn't a million dollar idea, then Bill Gates and Warren Buffet are collecting unemployment. I did a little research and it turns out I wasn't the only one with this idea, even including a parody video on youtube with 218,000 views. 218,000 people think this is a great idea, so it can't be wrong.

You're probably thinking, this sounds like an interesting idea, but CNN, the global news leader, would never do it. Au contraire, mon fritter. The glory days of CNN are gone, they're last in the ratings, and their 900 year old number one guy is so far gone he doesn't even know the difference between Ringo Starr and George Harrison. As you can see, CNN is ripe for a massive reality check, and who better to administrator that than the greatest reality star of all time, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. This move would bring CNN into the 21st century, with a star whose show garners more viewers than anything CNN currently puts on the error. Not too mention the increased ad revenue the network would get from Cadillac, laundry detergent, condoms, and Ron Ron Juice. Taking all these points in to account, it is clear that CNN, a network in desperate disrepair and disarray, should make this drastic, yet revolutionary move of putting "The Situation Room with The Situation" on the air immediately and taking the top spot back from the fear-mongering hacks like Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck. We will all be better for it. Viva la Situation!!!

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