Un Pop Culture Rant: Politics

This post marks a new feature on the Big Grinder With Cheese blog, the Un Pop Culture Rant. This feature will be what its name suggests, a rant about a topic that is very unpopular in our culture. So without further ado, onto the debut.

Like most people my age, I am fed up with politics. What is more unpopular at the moment than politicians and all their shenanigans? The reasons for this are infinite, but I will list a few.

• The most annoying for me is the inability of a single politician to answer a question with a honest response that makes sense and actually addresses the question, followed by no one calling them out on their lame answer. Rep Mike Pence of Indiana displayed this ability beautifully on Meet the Press this past Sunday, when asked if he thought the Christmas Day Plane Bomber should have been read his Miranda Rights when he was arrested. Rather than answering with a simple yes or no, he came up with this beauty (I'm paraphrasing): My constituents are wondering why this plane bomber gets his Miranda Rights and a civilian trial while the Fort Hood Shooter, a military officer, who killed military personnel on a military base is getting a military trial? What? You're constituents are wondering why a military officer who committed murder against military personnel on a military base is getting a military trial? Notice the common word in that last sentence? MILITARY. I haven't followed the plane bomber case close enough to render an opinion of how the should be tried, but Pence's reasoning is ludicrous. He didn't even answer the question, which was what HE thought, and in the process made his constituents look dopey. And to top it all off, no one batted an eyelash or questioned the ridiculous statement.
• No politicians have balls. Dick Cheney has been running his mouth about how Barack Obama is endangering America for the last year, most recently having a showdown with Joe Biden on terrorism. Why won't anyone tell this guy he is being irresponsible and to shut the hell up. If Al Gore tried this act during the Bush presidency, he would have been crucified by the administration. Everyone pussy foots around the issue with statements like "Cheney may not have the most current information" or "I don't agree with him". How about saying "Cheney is lying and trying to scare America in order to protect his legacy and is an irresponsible piece of crap." That would be very refreshing, but sadly will never happen.
• The conventions and conferences have got to stop. What is the point of these? Gathering a few thousand maniacs in a room that will applaud anything the speakers say. Barack Obama or Dick Cheney could come out and describe their latest bowl movement and a garner a minute long standing ovation. What is the point of this? Their lemming-like applause and bizarre outfits clearly show that everyone in attendance needs next to zero convincing to convert to the cause. And any sane person watching one of these gatherings is not converted, rather they will wonder what the hell they are watching? Did someone get a hidden video of a Hare Krishna or Branch Davidian meeting? For the unfamiliar, those are cults, and these conventions and conferences can be described as cultish and just plain creepy.

Those are only a few of the reasons that I, and am sure many others, are fed up with politics. Non-answering of questions, no ball politicians, and wacky conventions and conferences are only scratching the surface, but are a good start none the less. I hope this rant has had some resonance with you and I invite you to rant a bit of your own in the comments section.

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What Happened to Luke Wilson?

Unless you've been living under a rock for the last 6 months, you've probably been barraged with those atrocious AT&T commercials. You're first thought after suffering through one of those is probably "Wow, that really sucked!". This is followed by the notion that that bloated carcass playing the AT&T pitchman looks very familiar. This starts the brain synapses firing, and then it hits you: "Holy crap, that's Luke Wilson of Old School fame!". This realization is quickly followed by the question: "What the hell happened to Luke Wilson?".

Well, I tell you what happened to him. He caught a disease, and he is a sick, sick man. And that ailment my friends is called Val Kilmer Disease (VKD). Symptoms include but are not limited to:

• Having at one point been very good looking
• Currently looking very bloated and unhealthy
• Once being in huge movies i.e. Top Gun, Old School
• Not having been in a movie anyone has heard of in five plus years
• Most significantly patient's current appearance prompts people to ask "What the hell happened to him?"

Now here is some photographic evidence to support this new disease:
Obviously this picture speaks for itself; simply jarring. Allow me to point out a few VKD symptoms: very attractive as Iceman in Top Gun, now has man boobs, a giant belly and a face that appears to have doubled in size. Another symptom, the last movie that the general public probably remembers him in is Alexander (2004), which was only noteworthy because it was such a huge flop and disappointment. You're probably thinking, wow I never gave Val Kilmer that much thought, but that does sound like a serious malady, but Luke Wilson can't have contracted VKD. You better believe he has, just take a look at the image to your left. Notice the piercing brown eyes and chiseled features on the before VKD image compared with the eyes that are almost swollen shut, the jowls and the turkey gobbler on the post VKD image. Not pictured, last notable role a supporting part in
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004). Needless to say if Luke Wilson had not somehow got the job with AT&T as their annoying, smug pitchman (my theory is significant bribes to the AT&T corporate structure from brother Owen), his career would be continuing it's downward spiral into the land of Z celebrities and bad VH1 reality shows. But alas, it appears that he has possibly found a cure or at least a treatment to stop the alphabetic fall caused by Val Kilmer Disease from A to Z at a semi-respectable C and made himself, for now, somewhat relevant in the pop culture landscape.

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The Situation Room With the Situation

I, like the majority of America, was caught up in the whirlwind phenomena that is the Jersey Shore. If you were to tell me that you didn't know who Snooki or the Situation (the greatest reality star ever) are, I would call you a lilly-livered-lier. One of my new favorite pass times is brainstorming ways that the Situation can be integrated into our society as much as possible. And then it hit me, CNN should give Wolf Blitzer the boot and turn the Situation Room tv show over to the Situation.

Can't you just imagine: Downy vs. Tide, Secret Tanning Oil Distasters and Ugly Girl Math tonight on "The Situation Room with the Situation". If that isn't a million dollar idea, then Bill Gates and Warren Buffet are collecting unemployment. I did a little research and it turns out I wasn't the only one with this idea, even including a parody video on youtube with 218,000 views. 218,000 people think this is a great idea, so it can't be wrong.

You're probably thinking, this sounds like an interesting idea, but CNN, the global news leader, would never do it. Au contraire, mon fritter. The glory days of CNN are gone, they're last in the ratings, and their 900 year old number one guy is so far gone he doesn't even know the difference between Ringo Starr and George Harrison. As you can see, CNN is ripe for a massive reality check, and who better to administrator that than the greatest reality star of all time, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. This move would bring CNN into the 21st century, with a star whose show garners more viewers than anything CNN currently puts on the error. Not too mention the increased ad revenue the network would get from Cadillac, laundry detergent, condoms, and Ron Ron Juice. Taking all these points in to account, it is clear that CNN, a network in desperate disrepair and disarray, should make this drastic, yet revolutionary move of putting "The Situation Room with The Situation" on the air immediately and taking the top spot back from the fear-mongering hacks like Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck. We will all be better for it. Viva la Situation!!!

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Why the Steroid Outrage is Outrageous

I normally enjoy listening to sports talk radio and shows like Around the Horn the PTI, but lately I have been greatly turned off by the self-righteous outrage over steroids in baseball. There are so many reasons why this outrage is unfounded that they won't all fit here, but I will post a few:

1. Steroids are considered bad in baseball because they are "performance enhancing drugs", not because they are illegal. That would be fine if baseball players didn't already use performance enhancing drugs every day. Ever heard of greenies? They are basically amphetamines that give the players extra energy to perform. How about cortizone? That would be what Curt Schilling had shot into his ankle before his famous bloody sock performance. You know what kind of performance he would have put on without that shot? There wouldn't have been one, because he wouldn't have been able to walk out to the mound, let alone pitch 7+ innings. If that isn't performance enhancing I don't know what is. So until baseball outlaws all performance enhancing drugs, why should steroids be singled out?



2. Another steroids argument is what about the records? How are we supposed to compare Babe Ruth to Barry Bonds when Bonds played in the steroid era? Well, let me tell you something, you can't compare the time periods anyways. You know what players did in the off season in the 30's and 40's? They sold insurance or took five years off to go fight World War Two. Now players spend the whole year working out and staying in shape. Who knows what kind of stats the old time players would have put up if they treated baseball as a year round job. Secondly, the advent of the relief pitcher made it impossible to compare eras. In the old days, pitching a complete game was the norm, not an anomaly as it is now. Bob Feller completed 57% of his starts over his career. What does this mean? Ever hear an announcer say that the hitters are hitting a pitcher better the third and fourth time thru the order? Well, now take into account that Babe Ruth got to hit against the same pitcher at least four times in a game a ridiculous amount more than a player today does, who probably averages hitting against three pitchers a game. How many home runs would Bonds have hit if he got to hit four times a game against some of the shitty pitchers that are around now. That change in the nature of pitching alone makes it impossible to compare the two eras, regardless of whether or not steroids are in play.



3. Another argument is what about the guys playing right now who didn't use steroids? Well, up until a few weeks ago, A-Rod was championed as the guy who did it the right way. Turns out he didn't, so how do we really know that any of these guys didn't use steroids. As much as I despise him, every prediction Jose Canseco has made has come true, and he said 80% of players were using steroids. Assuming he is right, and he probably is, that seems like a pretty even playing field to me.



4. There is such an unspoken double standard with steroids and everything else bad that players do. Daryl Strawberry just came out with a book describing how the 86 Mets were having sex during games, and getting drunk every night. Any outrage over that? Not a peep. Plenty of the old time players who are held on a pedestal were just as big of degenerates as anyone today. Quick story about Ty Cobb: A guy in the crowd with no legs caught a foul ball and Cobb went over and took the ball from him. One of his teammates said to him "Ty, what are you doing? The guy has no legs." You know what his response was? "I don't care if he ain't got no arms either." So this goes to show that there are assholes no matter what era you look at, so you shouldn't judge the character of players from one and not judge those from another.



5. Where is the outrage about steroid use in other sports? Remember in 2006 when Shawn Merriman was suspended four games for using steroids? The sports writers were so pissed off at the end of the season that instead of voting him number one for NFL Defensive Player of the Year, they really gave it to him and only voted him number three. Now, I'm a huge fan of Tiger Woods, and I don't think he's ever done steroids, but here is a guy who has gotten much more muscular as his career has progressed; much like a couple of guys named A-Roid and B-Roid. Just curious where are the people questioning whether he gained all those muscles naturally or not, as they would be if he were a baseball player?



6. Now let me run a little scenario by all you apoplectic sports writers. Consider there is a magic little pill that if you take it will make you write much better articles than you're currently producing and will propel you onto an ESPN talk show or even a major sports pre-game show. Now consider all your rival sports writers are taking it, that there is no penalty if you get caught taking it, and if you don't take it you are likely to end up covering the local fair for some bi-weekly rag in BFE. Now tell me whether or not you would take that pill. Of course you would, you would be stupid not too.

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