GFT of the Week: Jesse James

After a short hiatus I am back with a vengeance to slay more turds with my literary pooper scooper. This weeks target: The monstrosity of a toolbox that is Jesse James. Here's a guy who had it made. A beautiful wife, Sandra Bullock, who also happens to be one of the most successful actresses in Hollywood and puts up with all his bullshit. From the reality show where he risks his life, to the custody battle with his crazy felon ex-wife who now makes her money having sex with shemales on her website. He even propositioned this angel of a lady while he was married to Bullock, but she at least had the decency to turn him down. The scumbag even had sex in his office with his mistresses while his wife was nearby in his shop.

Along with being guilty of adultry, James is also definitely guilty of having a horrendous taste in women. Rather than stay faithful to his naturally beautiful, sweet, funny wife, he would rather shack up behind her back with a bevy of fake-breasted strippers with attrocious tattoos. To top it all off the leader of the group is a white supremacist. To be fair, she does claims that her "WP" tattoo stands for "Wet Pussy", not "White Power". That is much more classy.

Also not garnering much attention is the fact James settled a sexual harassment suit in 2007, while married to Bullock. This suit brought to light a few genius text messages from James such as "I'll be your monkey" and "I have some special white fluid that will make you feel better" in response to recipient saying she wasn't feeling well. How lame can you get? Special white fluid? Even if she was into him, there isn't a woman on this planet that would be turned on by that. Reading these zingers reminded me of an interview I heard of James last year. For the most part he seemed like a good guy, but I remember him making similar lame statements like "keep my name out yo mouth", which has to be one of the weakest attempts at an intimidating remark there is.

All these odd statements got me thinking. What is it about these that gives me douche chills? It's the fact that they are delivered with such assuredness and arrogance. He's not saying this stuff to be funny, he's saying it in complete seriousness and with the steadfast belief that it makes him look cool. Demonstrations of his obliviousness to his doucheness like this suggest that James has a warped self-image and an unsupported view that he can do whatever he wants and still be cool guy. His antics during his marriage to Sandra Bullock support this completely and unequivocally.

So, what's the moral of this story, you ask? One, if you're a normal, nice young lady don't get married to a guy that throughout his whole life has displayed that he is attracted to tattoo covered skanky strippers. Second and more importantly, if you are with someone who seems generally cool, but occassionally says things with 100% sincerity that sends douche chills up your spine, watch out, because something isn't right with them. Don't find out the hard way after five years of marriage like Sandra Bullock did. And as always, you sir, Jesse James, are a Giant Effing Turd!!!

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GFT of the Week: Stephen A. Smith

This is the inaugural Giant Effing Turd post, a new feature on Big Grinder With Cheese, that will highlight an event, person, or action from the past week that left a such an awful taste of bile and poop in my mouth that I feel the need to eviscerate and disembowl them with my literary pooper scooper.

The lucky winner of this week's GFT is none other than the universally hated and unbearably annoying blowhard of all blowhards, Stephen A. Smith. Smith posted an article yesterday that outlined the gambling, and alcohol troubles of Allen Iverson, with what amounted to a call to Iverson's inner circle to mount an intervention. Whether or not you are fan of Iverson, it is very sad to see a person who has so much going for him and is descending down a path that could lead to being abandoned by his family, gambling his $200 million in career earnings away, and even a possible early death.

I would like to know what makes it ok for Steven A. Smith to make Allen Iverson's personal struggles public? This strikes me as a grasp for attention by an egotistical asshole that sees his star slipping. A person that was once a tv and web personality for ESPN, until the network got fed up with his tired schtick and "decided to go in a different direction" and has been relegated to local print and radio in Philadelphia. Not exactly the career arc a self-promoting ego-maniac such as Smith is looking for is it?

Then along come insider NBA rumors that Allen Iverson has severe drinking and gambling problems. Smith saw this as an opportunity to look like the good guy for once. He wrote an article that comes off as a plea to Iverson to get help and in the process exposes Iverson's issues. Smith picked a great time to release this news, just days after Iverson's wife filed for divorce, and weeks after he announced he will not play the rest of the season, in effect ending his NBA career, in order to be with his sick daughter. You don't have to be Dr. Drew to realize that Iverson is in a very fragile and precarious state right now. The littlest thing could push him off the edge, not to mention someone publishing behaviors of his that he is battling and likely very ashamed of. Smith would probably say that he cares about Iverson and this is his way of trying to help. I say bull crap Stephen A. Smith, you Giant Effing Turd!!! If he really wanted to help Iverson, he would have kept this information private and contacted Iverson's "inner circle" to offer his help. Rather, he bared Iverson's darkest secrets to the world in a move that could very well cause Iverson to isolate himself more and accelerate his descent down the shame spiral he is surely on into more drinking and gambling. But hey at least we're all remembering who Stephen A. Smith is right?

I'm not sure why, but Allen Iverson's struggles have left me feeling sad for him and hoping that he is able to get better. Maybe it is because until recently he always played with all his heart and put his body on the line to help his team win games. It is hard not to root for someone who puts forth such determination and effort. I want to leave you with two videos of Iverson. On a lighter not, the first is possibly the best sports press conference of all time. All I need to say is "We talkin' 'bout Practice?". Lastly, I defy you to watch this video of Iverson at an event for his scholarship chartity speaking about his life and not have a new found respect for him and a hope that he is able to get the help he needs and take back his life.

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Is Tiger Woods The Next Michael Jackson?

The two biggest events of the past year are arguably the death of Michael Jackson and the demise of Tiger Woods. At first glance the two celebrities involved in these events have nothing in common. The most famous athlete in the world and an aging pop star who most people believe was a pedophile and has destroyed his face with plastic surgery. You're thinking: Come on, there are no similarities between them, right? But if you examine the lives of these two men, they are eerily similar. In list style fashion, here are the similarities:

• Both had overbearing fathers whose one goal from their child's adolescence was to drill them and push them to be the best in their respective field. For both this lead to fame at a very young age. Tiger was on the Mike Douglas Show at the age of 3. Michael Jackson shot to stardom with his brothers at the age of 11 with this appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. This early fame resulted in the them not being able to have a normal childhood and trying to compensate for that loss later in life.
  
• Both appear to be mentally/emotionally suspended somewhere around the age of 12. This is very obvious in Jackson with the Neverland Ranch and the idea that he was a modern day Peter Pan. Tiger displays this in his poor behavior on the golf course and his love of off-color jokes. He also often doesn't appear to be able to have an adult conversion. Whenever he is interviewed and goes away from the Tiger Cliches of "hitting the ball well" and "putting the ball well", it doesn't go so well. Lastly his text messages to his mistresses sound very similar to what one would expect from a horny insecure sixth grader.
• Both were the best in their disciplines and revolutionized their respective fields as a black person. They are both so well loved by their die-hard fans, that their major scandals did not cause them to be abandoned. Michael Jackson sold out 50 shows at the O2 Arena in London in a matter of hours, while the Tiger's first tournament back will likely result in the highest television ratings for golf ever.
  
• Both have had enormous scandals. Michael Jackson has been accused of child molestation multiple times, as well as suffering a very shady death. Tiger Woods has turned out to be one of the biggest philander of all time with a dozen plus mistresses and most likely many others that we will never know about. Both gave very bizarre press conferences regarding their scandals that made it appear that they are off in their own world and have a very hard time relating to the common person. Jackson went on national television and denied any inappropriate relations with children and described how the police examined his penis. Not exactly the picture you want in people's minds when asking them for understanding. Tiger went on national television as RoboTiger admitting to infidelities dressed like an 80 year old man, while taking zero question and going off on various tangents.
• Both are extremely private people, almost to a fault. Michael to his death denied having more than one plastic surgery and often covered his face and the faces of his children with scarves for privacy. Tiger has never really given an interview where he talks about anything but golf and has a yacht named Privacy. Due to this extreme privacy, both of their nefarious behaviors led to a greater shock than if we had know them a bit more as people, rather than just their carefully polished images.
• Both have various addictions. Michael Jackson was likely addicted to plastic surgery and was addicted various prescription drugs off and on starting in the mid-80s. Tiger's behavior suggests that he is addicted to sex and recent reports have said that he also received treatment for addiction to Vicodin and Ambien. Jackson was not able to conquer his addictions and only time will tell whether or not Tiger will.

As you can see, there are a disturbing number of similarities between Michael Jackson and Tiger Woods from their lost childhoods to scandals to addictions to prescription drugs. On the Michael Jackson timeline, I would put Tiger at early-90s Michael, following his first child molestation scandal. Only time will tell which course the rest of Tiger's life will follow. Will it be the course Michael followed? Withdrawing more and more from society. Becoming stranger and stranger. Not performing as well in his field as his earlier mega successes. Or will Tiger be a changed man and conquer his demons to place himself back atop the golf world? I believe it will be the latter. Tiger has a legendary focus and determination and if he is truly focusing these traits on fixing himself as he says he is, I believe he will be successful. Also, Tiger's financial situation is a bit different than Michael Jackson's was. Tiger is dependent on endorsements for much of his money. Yes, he is reportedly a billionaire, but his expenses with such luxuries as a $20 million yacht and a $40 million Florida compound must be astronomical, not to mention the possibility of a nine figure divorce settlement. Michael had independent sources of income. He had continuing revenue from his consistently selling albums, ownership of the Beatles song catalog, and the ability to put on a sold out stadium world tour whenever he wanted. Lastly, the number one reason I think Tiger will be back better than ever is so he can give a big eff you to everyone that he feels has badmouthed him, exacerbated his downfall and said he won't be able to come back and play at the high level that he has played at in the past. What better way to do this than by returning to golf, dominating once again, and obliterating Jack Nicholas' record for majors? And we all know, that if there is one thing Americans love to do, it is to forgive flawed, fallen celebrities. Tiger is primed for a return to his former stature and the only obstacle is himself. Will he be able to navigate this obstacle that has nearly derailed him? I think he can and he will.

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