GFT of the Week: Jesse James

After a short hiatus I am back with a vengeance to slay more turds with my literary pooper scooper. This weeks target: The monstrosity of a toolbox that is Jesse James. Here's a guy who had it made. A beautiful wife, Sandra Bullock, who also happens to be one of the most successful actresses in Hollywood and puts up with all his bullshit. From the reality show where he risks his life, to the custody battle with his crazy felon ex-wife who now makes her money having sex with shemales on her website. He even propositioned this angel of a lady while he was married to Bullock, but she at least had the decency to turn him down. The scumbag even had sex in his office with his mistresses while his wife was nearby in his shop.

Along with being guilty of adultry, James is also definitely guilty of having a horrendous taste in women. Rather than stay faithful to his naturally beautiful, sweet, funny wife, he would rather shack up behind her back with a bevy of fake-breasted strippers with attrocious tattoos. To top it all off the leader of the group is a white supremacist. To be fair, she does claims that her "WP" tattoo stands for "Wet Pussy", not "White Power". That is much more classy.

Also not garnering much attention is the fact James settled a sexual harassment suit in 2007, while married to Bullock. This suit brought to light a few genius text messages from James such as "I'll be your monkey" and "I have some special white fluid that will make you feel better" in response to recipient saying she wasn't feeling well. How lame can you get? Special white fluid? Even if she was into him, there isn't a woman on this planet that would be turned on by that. Reading these zingers reminded me of an interview I heard of James last year. For the most part he seemed like a good guy, but I remember him making similar lame statements like "keep my name out yo mouth", which has to be one of the weakest attempts at an intimidating remark there is.

All these odd statements got me thinking. What is it about these that gives me douche chills? It's the fact that they are delivered with such assuredness and arrogance. He's not saying this stuff to be funny, he's saying it in complete seriousness and with the steadfast belief that it makes him look cool. Demonstrations of his obliviousness to his doucheness like this suggest that James has a warped self-image and an unsupported view that he can do whatever he wants and still be cool guy. His antics during his marriage to Sandra Bullock support this completely and unequivocally.

So, what's the moral of this story, you ask? One, if you're a normal, nice young lady don't get married to a guy that throughout his whole life has displayed that he is attracted to tattoo covered skanky strippers. Second and more importantly, if you are with someone who seems generally cool, but occassionally says things with 100% sincerity that sends douche chills up your spine, watch out, because something isn't right with them. Don't find out the hard way after five years of marriage like Sandra Bullock did. And as always, you sir, Jesse James, are a Giant Effing Turd!!!

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